Due to the poor ‘O’ Levels results, I ended up enrolling into a private college to continue my education.
I knew it would add on to the financial burden for my — sole bread winner — father, and I was determined to study hard, so as to make his effort worthwhile.
I started by sitting myself at the front roll of the class. I paid attention to the lectures and I worked hard on my studies.
I remember it was the second day of class, while the lecturer was marking attendance by calling out our names. When he called out the name, Bernis, a girl responded her presence.
It triggered my curiosity. I thought Bernis sounded like a boy’s name. When I turned my head to check who that name belonged to, the next name was called. Failed attempt. I made a mental note to satisfy my curiosity the next day.
I did manage to catch a glimpse of Bernis. She was a sweet looking girl with big beautiful eyes.
During break time, I took the opportunity to befriend her. Mostly to find out more about her name. The little query led into conversations and I found that she was an interesting person to converse with.
Slightly over a month into my studies, my father shared with me that we were facing financial difficulties. Being the eldest child in the family, I thought I should chip in my part to support my family. The money would be better used to fund the studies for both my younger siblings.
And since the month’s school fees were already paid, I thought I should just enjoy the remaining two weeks of school as a holiday while I looked for a job.
From then, my attitude changed. I shifted myself to the rear of the class. Got to know more of my classmates and spent more time interacting with them.
Bernis was bubbly and I felt quite comfortable chatting with her. I don’t know why but I asked her to be my girlfriend. Much to my surprise, she agreed immediately.
On my final day in college, I invited Bernis to my place. Coincidentally, no one was at home. After chatting for a while, we started kissing. I saw that her eyes were closed. A sign of her immersing in the moment. I took a step further to touch her breast. I could feel her body jerked slightly but she did not stop me. Getting bolder, I released two buttons from her top – white school uniform – to slip my hand into her bra. I could feel her full breast and hard nipple. No resistance still.
I guided her into my room and we sat on my bed. I continue fondling her, one breast at a time as we chatted. I complimented her full bosoms. I could see that she felt flattered. Good for me. We started kissing again. I undid the remaining of the buttons and reached behind to unbuckle her bras. Her full breasts instantly drooped beneath the bras and I was like, Wow!
I suckled her left breast and enjoyed the hardened nipple. She let out a soft moan while leaning her upper body slightly backwards, supported by her arms. I went for the other nipple and simultaneously removed her top, followed by her bras. When I felt my tongue strained, I shifted back to kissing her and at the same time laid her down onto my bed.
We took a short pause to continue chatting for awhile. I am not sure how or why, but somewhere back in my mind, I knew that I was conditioning her to feel comfortable being half naked in front of me. I asked her bra size and was pleasantly surprised that it was a 36B. Woo…Same size as Amy Yip.
After a short while, I repeated the whole sequence of what we did earlier. My hand started to move down south, under her skirt. And My oh my, her panties were already wet. Without delay, I pulled her panties down and positioned myself on top of her.
I was hyperventilating while thinking to myself, Alight, here goes. I slipped my penis in and her body tensed almost instantly. I paused to ask if she was alright. She told me that she felt a slight discomfort. I asked if we should continue and she nodded.
I moved in and out of her slowly while observing her facial expression. As we went longer into the movements, I could feel more fluid flowing out from her relaxed lower body. By then, my body was getting accustomed to the momentum.
Her breathing hastened in relative to the gradual increase in my thrusts. I could see that she was controlling herself not to moan. Seeing the tightened eye brows above her closed eyes, I witnessed the unique facial expression of a human experiencing simultaneous multiple feelings. It got me excited.
Feeling that I was near the verge, I gave a few more thrusts before pulling out to release my load onto her body. My world went silent in that brief moment.
Losing my virginity was like…no out-of-the-world feelings, no fireworks, just…well…making a note-to-self that I should have tissue paper within arm’s reach for future occurrences.
A month or so later, unable to find a job, I started helping out at my father’s workshop. I would only meet Bernis during weekends.
After having her, I began to take her for granted. I would be nice to her if my mood was good and vice-versa. Our relationship would only be under my whims and calls, because I knew I got the upper-hand. My frequently-used-sentence on her was, “Let’s just break up.”
Progressing into sex too fast and too easily must had caused the imbalance in scale.
The small episode with Meg could had caused her to think that I was one good catch. I was sure she did not want to lose this piece of hotcake.
She was already four months into the pregnancy when we realized. We decided to keep the baby despite her parents’ disagreement. I believed I was capable enough to maintain a family. I was even prepared to marry Bernis. For our unborn child, I was willing to do anything.
Things did not turn out as expected. I remembered Bernis’ call to inform that she went for the abortion. She succumbed to her parents’ pressure without discussing with me.
Sadness and anger instantly overwhelmed my whole. I exploded. I shouted vulgarities at her over the phone. I told her to just fuck off from my life before slamming down the phone. The phone rings were agitating, I had to disconnect the phone line from the wall socket to stop her repeated calls. I found my whole body trembling from the fury. The pain within me was so excruciating that I glided a knife across my chest. The action worked. My mind was taken off the pain while I searched for something to stop the bleeding.
Our relationship did not end there. She made her way to my place to save the relationship. My temper shot up upon seeing her. I started screaming at her despite her going down on her kneels to seek forgiveness. I tried to drive Bernis out from the house but she wouldn’t barge. I gave in only when I noticed blood stains on her pants.
Since that episode, I harbored hatred for Bernis and her parents.
They killed my child!!! And they were a Christian a family, God damned it!!! God damned them!!! I cursed them in my heart.
Despite the poor treatment from me, Bernis persevered to keep the relationship breathing. She stayed on even when she caught me red-handed with Cynthia.
Unbeknownst to her though, I started bedding other girls…Vann, Estee and Nicole.
She finally gave up hope after I disclosed to her about Sheena.
I was glad it ended. Not for myself, but for Bernis. To say I was a bad boyfriend was an understatement. I was a damn fucked up boyfriend for her.
On reflection, though I would not say it was right, but I thought Bernis’ parents did what they deemed best for her when they persuaded her to abort our child. With my character then, I don’t think anything good would come out of the relationship. And as in all failed relationship, the kid/s will bear the greatest impact.
I cannot remember which year but it was in early-2000, I had a session with her. It was not particularly enjoyable. I was just feeling bored with life at that time. She told me that she had shifted back to her parents’ place with her two young daughters. Her ex-husband ran away after getting into debts.
That was our final contact.
Sorry and thank you for everything in that 4 years.
Wish you well in life.
– VV Cold