#07 Vann: 旧爱还是最美

We were born on the same day. To be exact, Vann is about five hours younger. We also happened to live in the same estate, took the same school bus and studied in the same class.
It wasn’t love at first sight, nor was it childhood sweetie puppy love for us. In fact, my memory when it comes to her was the mischievous me pulling her pony-tail whenever I was seated behind her in the school bus.
Despite living so near to one another, we did not bumped into each other since we left primary school.
__________
18 Feb 1994, in Tornado’s Disco.
We were about twenty years old when we met each other again.
I was dancing with some colleagues when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see a short hair pretty face. My recognition of her must had taken a while longer, due to the effects of Martell.
“Hi, remember me? I’m Vann, your primary schoolmate. Remember?” Vann said.
“Oh yes, of course. Couldn’t see properly under the disco lights.” I managed a lame response.
“Who do you come with?” Vann asked.
“Colleagues. They were drinking over there.” I pointed to the table where some of my colleagues were seated.
“You?” I asked.
“With my boyfriend and his colleagues.” Vann replied.
“My boyfriend, Dave.” Vann introduced the man beside her.
Dave and I shook hands.
Vann and Dave joined back with their group while I continued dancing.
It was near midnight when Vann walked into the dance floor to inform that they were making their way back.
“Do keep in contact ok?” She said.
I gave her a quick nod and continued dancing.
“How do I contact you?” She asked.
“Page me.”
I recited my pager number into Vann’s ear.
“Wow. That was easy to remember.” Vann commented.
“I know.” I said with a wink.
We bade each other farewell once more before Vann left.
Vann paged me two days later. I agreed to meet up with her that night.
After sending Bernis off, I took a cab to meet up with Vann at Parkway Parade.
Upon meeting, “I bought pizza. Wanna share it with me?” Vann asked, showing me the square box. I could smell the Hawaiian.
“Eat? Here?” I was reluctant to get my hands stained and given a choice, I preferred to have a proper place to eat.
“How about we go East Coast Park? We can enjoy the cool sea breeze while we catch up.” Vann suggested.
“Ok.” I agreed. Partly because I enjoyed cool breeze.
As it was a Sunday night, there were not many people at the beach park. We decided to have our pizza atop one of the wooden lifeguard towers.
We updated each other on our lives from the time we left primary school. We also shared with each other on our aspirations, which, I had to admit, mine was nothing great other than to earn a living to help lighten my father’s load.
It felt good and comfortable chatting with Vann. The conversations were truthful and unpretentious. I could not remember when was the last time I talked to a girl and yet felt platonic about that.
At about 11pm, as I was getting myself to climb down the lifeguard tower, Vann landed a kiss onto my lips.
“Why you do that?!” I asked.
Vann responded with just a smiled, which confused me.
“Anything happened between you and your boyfriend?” I asked.
Maintaining her smile, Vann shook her head.
“Then why did you do that?” I asked.
“Nothing, just feel like doing it to you.” Vann said.
“You know? I really treat you as a friend…a good old friend. You…I mean, we are each attached with our partners. Don’t think it is right to do that. I really treat you as a friend. You know?” I said, my mind still not recovered from the shock.
“I like the way you looked just now. So innocent, so childlike.” Vann commented.
“Don’t do that again ok? I want to keep this friendship with you.” I emphasized.
Again, Vann smile.
We took a cab and I dropped her off at her place before making my way back home.
For the next one month or so, we maintained contact through short chats over the phone. Vann shared that she agreed to Dave’s proposal.
It was barely a few days after I congratulated her when she called me.
“I don’t think I want to marry Dave.” Vann said.
“Something happened between you two?” I asked and instantly felt that it was a stupid question.
“It’s me. I realized that he is not the one.” She said.
“What do you mean by he is not the one?” I queried.
“You know? I’ve always thought that happiness is to be with someone who loves me more than I love him.” Vann started.
“But since that day he proposed, a lot had been running through my mind. I cannot imagine myself waking up every morning to somebody I do not feel for.” She explained.
My mind was like, Yeah, I know what you mean there. I’m facing a similar issue myself.
“So what you intend to do about it?” I asked.
“I’m still thinking of how to start the talk with Dave.” She said.
“Is Dave the bad-tempered or violent type?” I asked.
“He is the gentle type. We were together for the past two years and I had never seen him show temper.” She said.
“Good. At least I know he won’t give you a black-eye when you tell him you wanted to back out of the marriage.” I said.
“You know what just came to my mind when you asked me about his temper?” She asked.
“Nope.” I said.
“Ever heard a Chinese saying, 男人不坏，女人不爱 (Girls like bad boys)? ” She asked.
“That, I just realized, is a problem…my problem. Dave is too nice a guy.” She continued.
There was a moment of silence in our conversations as I processed her words.

Don’t tell me you had fallen for me please? A folly thought flashed past my mind.
“I’ve made up my mind. I will call him and tell him now.” Vann said.
“Ok. Whatever it is, try to make it an amicable one.” I said.
Part of me felt relieved that Vann did not say anything about falling for me when we ended the call.
__________
Some time a week later, Tris woke me up, “Da Ge, there’s a call for you.”
“Hello?” I said over the receiver.
“You sleeping?” The voice from the other side of the line asked.
“Oh, Vann. Yes, I was sleeping. What’s up?” I said.
“No wonder you did not return my page.” Vann said.
“Not expecting anyone to look for me on a weekend.” I said.
“It’s alright. Anyway, I’m in town right now and I am on my way to your place.” She said.
“Huh? Whatever for?” I asked.
“Bought a new CD by Enigma. Nice songs inside. I want you to enjoy the songs with me.” She replied.
“Ok.” I said without thinking much.
I realized that my family did not own a CD player, but I had no way of contacting Vann. She did not own a pager.
When Vann reached, Mum and Tris had already left for visit and I was watching TV programme.
Good thing Vann had a portable CD player. We listened to the songs with a earphone on each of our ear. I became bored after hearing The return to innocence played in different manners.
We turned to watching TV programme instead.
While I was engrossed into the TV show, Vann who was seated beside me climbed and knelt right in front of me, her kneels at the outer sides of my thighs. The scent of Coco Chanel hit my nose. There was no escape the fragrance when her upper torso was just centimeters from my face. I stopped her on her track while she was lowering her head to land a kiss on me.
“What are you trying to do?” I asked. More prepared after the previous experience at East Coast Park.
“I just want to cuddle with you.” She said.
“You know what that will lead to right? It will change the properties of our friendship.” I asked.

Vann nodded.
“Irreversible change, you know what I mean?!” I exclaimed.
“Yes. I know.” She affirmed.
“But I don’t want that.” I said.
“Look, it is hard for me to maintain pure friendship with girls. I cherish our friendship and I want to keep it this way, simple friendship. You understand?” I continued.
Vann looked slightly stunned by my reactions.
“Let’s chill off abit.” I guided Vann off my laps.
“And while I go smoke, do take the time to think about what I just said.” I stepped off into my room.
While I was looking out my room windows trying to recover from what that had happened, Vann hugged me tightly from behind. “I still want you.” She whispered into my ear.

You did your due diligence. Three times. Guess you should just accept that you are not meant to be just friends. My mind moderated.
I drew a long puff and exhaled slowly as I accepted what would be coming. I extinguished the cigarette butt into the ashtray and held onto Vann’s arms. I felt her hug momentarily tightened.
“I cannot hug you back if you are holding me so tightly.” I told Vann.
Upon my words, she loosened her arms and I turned to hug her. We engaged in a long french kiss.
Her hand was already busy working inside my shorts while I was unbuttoning her beige satin blouse.
Vann’s hand movement picked up pace the moment I unbuckled her bras. She seemed to have turned wild.
“Lie down, I want to suck your cock.” She said.
I was taken aback by her choice of words. It was like a total change in her persona.
I laid down onto my bed where she feasted on my not-so-erected penis. Part of my mind had not fully accepted the fact that I was about to have sex with an old friend. And at that point of time, I was not quite used to having my dick into a girl’s mouth. I just felt so insecure. Anyway, I took a hold on myself and let Vann had her fun for awhile.
“I want doggy.” Vann requested.

What?! My mind screeched. Is she possessed?
Frankly, my mind was toppled. The experiences I had prior, were more the obliging type ; not the other way round. My usual actions for sexual intercourse were simply: Kiss, light petting, strip, heavy petting, penetration and ejaculation…Straight forward sequence.

Relax man. Everyone is different. I told myself.
To my surprise, doggy-style can be visually stimulating. I have a clear view of Vann’s anus tightening & loosening in sync with my penis’ sliding in & out of her soaking wet vagina. The visual was stimulating.
I withdrew shortly as I knew I would ejaculate if we maintained that style. Did I also mention Vann’s rhythmic moans? Okay, I confess…I didn’t want to leave the impression that I was a fast shooter. I want to leave a lasting impression.
With Vann on her back, I fondled her pair of firm breasts in my bid to buy time for my testosterone to settle down before I go for a reentry. I liked the feel of her puffed up nipples between my fingers. And especially so when Vann’s hands joined in to fondle her breasts.
When I felt myself ready, I positioned myself above Vann, who spread her slender legs wide and pointed up towards the ceiling. My penis slipped into her slippery gap without any hand guide.
Vann pulled me closer to her while she lifted her head for a kiss. I used my left hand to support the back of her head.
Oh my…her hair feels rough and hard. Must have used a lot of hairspray or hair mousse. The thought flashed through my mind.

Some time later, Vann’s head suddenly jerked back onto the bed and her moaning tuned up. At about the same time, I felt rhythmic tightening from her vagina wall. I continued my thrusts till I finally came.
I noticed tears rolling down the corner of Vann’s eyes. “Was I too rough?” I asked in concern.
“No. I tear whenever I had orgasm.” Vann shook her head. “I love the way you fuck me.”
I believed I did not show it, but I was taken aback once more by her words.
We cuddled for awhile before Vann started to dress up.
“There’s something I want you to know…No string attached ok?” Vann said.
I was like, “Huh? What do you mean?”
“Just want to assure you that I am not those sticky type. You need not be responsible for what we just did. Moreover, you already have a girlfriend.” Vann continued.
“I see. Sure.” I answered.
There were mixed feelings within me. First, I had the thought to carry on with Vann, to see the possibility for her to be my main girlfriend. Second, which was linked to my first point, the willingness to release my load inside her was my way of exhibiting commitment. But since she already offered a non-committal, I accepted silently.
__________
Since that day, we communicated mostly over the phone. Our calls got less frequent when she embarked for flight-stewardess training.
I remembered having a couple more sessions with Vann thereafter.
We totally stopped after I got to know Sheena, whom I had fully committed myself to.

__________
About a year later, Vann called to inform that she was attached. Her boyfriend was eleven years her senior. They had plan for marriage.
While I somehow felt the pinch upon hearing the news, I managed to keep my emotions in check and wished her well.
__________
End of Part 1/15.
Yes, we did have another 14 more episode in more than two decades that followed. Most lasted weeks, and a couple of which lasted years.
She said to me over few occasions, “It felt to me like we never parted. Best thing about our relationship…we never fought. Not even once did we ever quarrel.”
I totally agree.
What mostly caused the pauses in our relationships, was Vann’s inability to overcome the feeling that we could never appear openly as a couple.
__________
Vann,
We both know.
And we both understand.
This is the furthest we can both go.
Wish you all the best in life.
– VV Cold
“…两个对的人，却在错的时候爱了一回”